LJI Wk17? Vigilance

[dmousey]

"Hello there Desiree, do you remember me? I'm Doctor Mena, a psychiatrist here in Oakwood," the man, dressed in JC Penny's best combination of slacks, shirt, and tie topped off with white coat, asked in a bored tone. He rifled through a clipboard full of forms as if the answers could magically appear on the papers instead of from Mouse herself. Or require any exertion on his part.

"I apologize, it says here you prefer Mouse? -- yes? Is that the nickname your father gave you?" At her nod, Dr. Mena continued: "The children's court hired me to evaluate what happened, if you will, leading up to and through the events. Do you understand this, Mouse?"

"Yes," Mouse offered shyly. The teen might not know this doctor, but she understood this man was not her friend, and she needed to be careful if she didn't want to fall into any traps. It wasn't like she was a fan of straight-jackets -- or rubber rooms.

The room she's in was standard institutional issue. The walls were painted an over-stocked blue, with white vinyl baseboards (easier for cleaning bodily fluids), white tile floors and sickly yellow, overhead lighting. There were personal touches, photographs, plants (Mouse reached out and touched one - plastic, ugh. The paranoid kids would be checking plants for a microphone or camera, Mouse didn't care.), and neutral-art work meant to soothe the afflicted.

Mouse stayed in plenty of places like this in her fourteen years. Orphanages. Zoos for unwanted children, some even came equipped with bars. Whether to keep the kids from getting out, or to warn potential adopters away, no one knew.

The doctor's voice broke through her fugue. "Do you know why?"

Mouse focused, and asked Dr. Mena to repeat the question.

"Very well, Mouse. Why did you throw those ashtrays, darts, and almost boiling water at your father? Why did you suddenly use violence against him? From what your brother and cousin say, you were always meek around your father. Walked on eggshells so to speak." Here Dr. Mena paused, and looked her in the eyes for the first time since she entered the room. "Do you know why, Mouse? Why you threw those things? Can you help me understand?"

Mouse started quietly at first. " I was coming home from babysitting and I could hear Pop going after my little brother from halfway down the block. I just couldn't handle it anymore, and I, uh, I sorta didn't think about it. When I just picked it up and threw it at him. It connected too." Mouse's voice quavered with anger.

"I could tell it shocked him. I mean, he hesitated long enough for me to get my hands on one of his precious Bavarian beer steins and let it fly. It didn't break. I remember that." Mouse whispered to herself, caught in the memory. "I remember screaming at him, but I don't recall exactly I said," Mouse lifted her head, and sheepishly confided, "but I do know it had a lot of profanity."

"Do you use profanity often Mouse?" Dr. Mena asked. "And what happened after you threw the ashtray, and the -- beer stein, was it?

"Profanity, no -- not usually. Only when it's warranted, I guess." Mouse shrugged her shoulders. Her eyes ached and she wanted him to be done with this, and just sleep. "I grabbed the pot of water tossed it toward him, pushed my little bother out of the house, and we took off running.

"Winded by the time we reached the diner on Saxon avenue, I had some babysitting money, so we went inside to rest and think. I bought my brother a soda and fries, and me some mozzarella sticks. We had just gotten our food when the police showed up." Mouse said as she sat back in her chair. "The rest you have from the reports, I'm sure."

"You mean about the encounter your father had with the police? Yes, I do. The fact that your father was extremely drunk and disorderly, and wanted to box one of the officers, is why you're not being charged with assault. It's clearly a case of self-defense."

Mouse slumped back into her chair after hearing Dr. Mena's words. The knot in her stomach unraveled, and she drew in another breath, this one tasting of relief. She closed her eyes briefly in thanks before she asked where her brother was, how he was, and what came next.

She knew how life 'on the inside' of the institutional foster food chain worked, and she wanted assurances that she and her brother would not be placed in separate homes, and her Pop wouldn't be able to get him, without her. Once Mouse had those, she'd believe the rest of the promises they gave her.

Yeah, sure, maybe she'd even believe things would get better. Maybe now she could finally relax. She doubted it, but at least for tonight, her brother was safe, and she could sleep without fear.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs...Hope these kids found safety and peace together.

[dmousey]

Unfortunately, only one did, in her children, and one didn't. He became bitter and could never forgive the world for its cruelty, and so he became cruel himself.

He's been in prison since he turned 26 and won't see the light of day anytime soon.

Thanks for popping in and reading! I appreciate it! 🎀😊🐁🐭✌

[sonreir]

Ohhh, I can only imagine the bravery that was required to answer "honestly" here...

You write about it well. I'm glad you survived. <3

[dmousey]

Thank you. I don't particularly consider myself brave- i'm more a 'do what you have to do' kind of chick. I'm glad I survived too!
Otherwise I wouldn't have Alicia, Nick, or Squishy! Everything I went through as a child and teen, made me a stronger person for them. Thanks for reading, and popping in! ✌😊🐁🐭🎀

[zedmanauk]

This was well written.

[dmousey]

Thank you sir. I Try! Thank you for reading! 😊✌🐭🐁🎀

[babydramatic_1950]

What a sad, sad story. A glimpse of a world that exists all too often. You described it vividly.

[dmousey]

Easy to describe, when it has been lived. These pieces about Pop or my upbringing, I've compartmentalized, but some of them bubble out sometimes! Thank you for reading! 😊🐁🐭✌🎀

[rayaso]

How very sad and painful! The life leading up to this must have been awful. The brother's life was sad to read as well. I loved the idea of orphanages as zoos for unwanted children.

[dmousey]

It was and it twisted him. He always felt so... rejected.
Pop was a piece of work, and twisted also, but for different reasons.

And everyone here has seen my weirdness come through my pieces - that's my outlet for my twisted soul.

Yeah, the odds were pretty good we weren't going to be normal, or something like it!

[itsjust_c]

What a sad tale. It must have been a very harrowing life for both the brother and the sister.

[dmousey]

It was. You were always on eggshells so to speak. My brother and I had been in and out of foster care from the time I was three-going on four, and they almost always kept us together. So, it was ok in that respect. Anyhoo, thank's for popping in and reading! 🎀✌🐁🐭😊

[halfshellvenus]

That is such a tough situation to grow up in, especially with the added pressure of knowing every choice is bound to be 'wrong' in some way-- wrong in your own eyes if you don't protect your brother, and wrong from the perspectives of your Dad and the police if you do. :(

[dmousey]

Exactly!!😚 This is one of the reasons I can be so indecisive. I'm literally frozen sometimes doing calculations in my head! The emotional baggage from the mental anguish is almost always worse than the physical. IMHO 🐭🐁✌🎀😊

[favoritebean_writes]

Wow. This is a part of the past that must have been so well protected. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry you had to deal with such an abusive father. I'm also sorry that your brother wasn't able to escape the cycle. *hugs*

[dmousey]

I've compartmentalized a lot of it. Have had good therapists too. I think (no lie) my ability to daydream 'alternate realities' and writing (I wrote even then) kept me from sinking under.

Thanks for popping in and reading! 😊🎀✌🐁🐭

[d0gs.livejournal.com]

This was so poignantly and honestly written. I'm sorry you had to deal with that*gentle hugs* You have such a lot of strength that shines through here <33

[dmousey]

Thank you for the compliments and kind words. They mean a lot to me. 🐭🐁✌🎀😊

[fausts_dream]

Your agony has power, making you far stronger than I suspect you even know. You have my vote this week.

[dmousey]

I'm not that tough, but thank you for saying so. I truly appreciate it. 😊🎀✌🐁🐭

[bleodswean]

*hugs* Your story is so difficult but you share it with your reader with honesty and bravery. It makes the reading worth the vicarious pain. I love this little mouse!

[dmousey]

Thank you. Living my early life gave me many gifts too.

resilience
compassion
empathy
ability to read people
imagination

It wasn't all bad, it just came at random times and at no predictable intervals - living with the constant fear- that's what made it bad. My poor brother bearing the brunt of the physical made it much harder for him, although mental/verbal abuse is just as bad.

And that little mouse loves you right back! ☺🐁🐭💜✌